I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
