i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
