Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
