he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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