this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
