So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
