Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
