So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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