If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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