Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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