I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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