help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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