If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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