East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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