So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
