Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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