On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He better not be in your backpack
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
