Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
