I am in a vortex of obligation.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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