worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
