I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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