Just cropdusted the office
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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