and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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