Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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