sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
