Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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