My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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