atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
