How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
