I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
