I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize