My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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