My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
In America we eat man semen.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize