Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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