no, he came in my armpit
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
