I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You are the jesus of drinking
Success! We fucked roommates!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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