I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
