Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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