Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
