the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
