Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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