There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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