She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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