The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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