my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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