i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
