mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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