My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
