I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
