i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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