id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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