Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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