Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
