There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
