He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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