I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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