Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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