Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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